I have been dreading posting here all day. Like, legit, I’ve been meaning to for well over 12 hours and I am technically now posting it tomorrow because it is well past midnight. Why? Because I really don’t want people knowing what I eat. There is so much shame around it in my mind. I don’t want you to judge me. I don’t want me to judge me. And this extends to all weight issues. I’ve gained so much weight recently that I don’t even want to see anyone. I don’t want them to worry about me. I don’t want to worry about them worrying about me. Yet, all of this is making it so much bigger in my head than it is. Most of my friends don’t even notice. Frankly, I don’t see most of them enough for them to even notice my weight fluctuations. But I want to hide. It’s as if they see me, then it’s real. I can still take control of it and course correct so long as they don’t see me. Playing games of magical thinking instead of doing the magic that gets the results.
And, yes, this totally leaks into other points in my life. I don’t want to see friends from college or high school because I’m even more overweight and even less successful. At least I was in acting school or doing horrible plays in NYC the last time they saw me. But now? Now, I’m jobless and trying to break into a career that 20 somethings with parental connections are also trying to do. They are agents at William Morris and I can’t even dream about getting an agent. I have done nothing since I’ve moved to LA except waste my time in retail. And, while I quit that job to pursue producing or PAing or whatever–I’m still in that spot that they were 10 years ago. And I don’t want to see them. I am the person who can’t afford a rental car on Christmas vacation or can’t afford any vacation, even when I’m working. I’m not married and I don’t have kids. I am a cautionary tale. So, I don’t think about how much I would enjoy them or how much they would enjoy seeing me I only think about the sadness that is my life. Pffft.
I used to write for a blog several years ago, and often I would write about dealing with my depression. I got a lot of positive feedback about how great the writing was and how helpful, but one of my friends commented on how it was a little unsettling because I always seemed to be struggling with the same things. I have been struggling with my weight, career, self-esteem, my love life, since high school. I remember auditioning for the school musical junior year and I was so afraid of not making it again that I completely toned down my audition to just pretty singing–so I could at least get into the chorus. Never mind a part–I just needed to make it into the show. The funny thing is that they way that the director was trying to audition me, I probably could have gotten one of the leads. I definitely would have been better than the person who got it. This even plagued me into college, and today. Despite knowing how talented I am (and not it a delusional way; as anyone who’s witnessed American Idol auditions, there is so much room for the delusional in this field. So, being the low self-esteemed wonder that I am, I’ve also gotten several well respected professionals to confirm what I suspected), I still don’t think anyone would actually pick me. Because I’m just slightly off.
So I hide away and don’t try and lie and obfuscate. And try to delay telling the truth until the last possible minute. See how I still haven’t shown you what I ate? I really want to remind you that I am on vacation and the idea was to eat as I normally would at my parents house and see how I cleverly slipped that excuse in while seemingly trying to make it not seem like an excuse? Also, I totally didn’t stick to the hunger scale. Some of it was I went to the movies. Other parts were due to snacking options being readily available. And even others were that I was at the timing of other people. If everyone is eating at 7, I kinda have to eat, too. Even if it makes me a little sick.
So here we go. Ripping the bandaid. And maybe tomorrow I’ll even be brave enough to post my before pictures. Which are actually from Dec 14 as I was planning on starting this blog 10 days earlier and then 5 days earlier, etc. So, yeah.
12/20/16 Food Diary
4 pieces cheerios
Coffee with milk
Bite of semolina bread
Half of ham and mozzarella panini
1 slice chicken quesadilla
6 chips with queso and guacamole
Feeling a little tired. Super stuffed up. Got nachos to really be a vehicle for queso, but ate too many because I was hunting for queso. It became more of a game and less about hunger and also wanting more of a perfect last chip.
6 sugar wafers
Wanted something sweet. Not really stressed or anything; it was just there and sounded good.
Again, they were there and I was thinking about them.
2 dr peppers
Popcorn with clarified butter
Some peanut butter m&ms
Half a pretzel w/cheese dipping sauce
Watching a movie at Alamo Draft House so this was a total fog eat