Here we go, again

My life is, well, it’s a mess right now. I am currently poor, unsuccessful, and fat. A trifecta of suck if ever their was one. I’m also alone, but that’s a different story. Right now, I really want to focus on those first three. 

I have been overweight since I was about 8 years old. I have also been on some sort of diet, workout plan, or body shaming ritual since I was about 8.5 years old. Yes, I even did Jenny Craig when I was in 8th grade. While I have managed to lose weight over the years, I’ve never reached my “goal” weight or at least a point where I feel 100% good about my body. Granted, almost every time that I’ve attempted to lose weight, it’s been from a place of self-hatred or “I need to get this off of my body right now.” I would try to focus on making it a way to show self-love, but there was always a hint of “I am worthless if I am fat” thrown into every attempt.

And that last phrase is the kicker. That is the story that I have told myself since I was probably 6 or 7 years old and has been a self-fulfilling prophecy. It has spilled over into my career, my bank account, and my love life. In the past, I haven’t followed my passions or dreams 100% because I didn’t think that I was worthy to achieve them when I was fat. Or that I couldn’t do so as a fat person. And it’s time for that to stop.

About 2 years ago, I came really close to getting all of the weight off. I was working out several times a week, eating healthily, and felt the best that I ever have. But then, about a year ago, I slipped in my regimen–mostly because I’d stay the same weight for well over a year and thought that’s just where my body settled. I stopped working out and started binge eating more frequently. I have now gained back about 50 of the 68 pounds that I lost. I don’t want to go all of the way back there.

Now, while I’ve been gaining this weight, I have been trying to lose it. There was somewhat of a fight. I have lost 10-15 lbs several times over this year–I just gained back a little bit more each time I gave up. And I would always give up really early in the process. That has got to change.

I know from several thousand books that I’ve read and diet groups and magazines that the way to lasting weight loss is through small lifestyle changes. But, I’ve always been attracted to the big change–overhauling everything at once and then getting mad at myself when I falter on a restrictive regimen. I know that it’s the incremental changes that stick. So, I’ve started this blog to track that. No drastic changes. Small incremental ones. Which, sounds like hell to me because I want all of this excess off of me RIGHT NOW. But, I also want it off of me forever so I will be dancing with that demon throughout this journey.

I am also doing a self-love overhaul. I’m learning to reprogram my brain so this is a permanent change. So that what I eat and do reflect how I feel about myself. Well, what I eat and do currently reflects how I feel about myself, it’s just not a pretty picture. I am going to start small, baby steps, adding in good habits one at a time.

I know that this post is all over the place, and for that I apologize. But, I’m also all over the place. I’m starting with my body and my mind, and hoping that will filter into my career search at the moment. Confidence begets action and so forth. 

So, first steps: I am going to start eating when I’m at a -3 on the hunger scale and stop eating when I’m at a +3. I am also going to blog everyday and be truthful about what I eat, when I eat, and how I feel when doing so. Workouts will also be included, if I workout. And missed workouts, too. I feel like when you read weight loss success stories, people dedicate themselves to it and never falter–which I think is a load of bull crap. So I will share with you the missteps and the successes. Here’s to the first step in a journey to health.

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