I had a dream yesterday that everything I touched kept slipping, and I realize now that it’s because I’m slipping back into old habits. Not necessarily eating too much, more sleeping too much, not getting out of bed, doing everything from my computer…in bed. Meditating…in bed. Which sets me up with the bad habits that got me to where I am now. All of the resolve I have is slowly sinking into the mattress. It’s not that I’m not getting things accomplished–I’m actually striking loads of things off of my list. It’s just…I’m becoming borderline agoraphobic. As in, I haven’t eaten today because I don’t want to leave my room. Some of it is my roommate is here and I have this huge judgment thing. I don’t want her to see me cooking or getting take out or whatever. She’s one of those people who likes the taste of boiled chicken with no seasoning, so I feel like I am forever being too messy when I cook because, well, because I use flavors. Plus, it’s easier in my room. But, you know, there’s the whole no movement thing. Like, this is 100% why I’ve gained weight in the past few months and cutting calories alone isn’t going to do it.
Before going on vacation, I had become increasingly dissatisfied with life. Disappointed? I had quit my dead end job because I was tired of sacrificing seeing friends or going home for Christmas because my schedule was too stringent–especially because it’s not like I was really making enough money to compensate for all of the drawbacks. I signed up with several temp agencies who were excited about my prospects, and hit the ground running–well before I quit, mind you–and really didn’t think that it would take me more than two months to get a job. Except, now I’m starting month 4 sans employment. Funds are scarce. I don’t known how I’m going to pay things but it’s not like I can get unemployement because I quit. I made the mistake of listening to people who said they were clamouring to employ me, who completely let me down when I actually asked fore employment. Now, I have a choice of waiting it out, seeing if I can get a better job, or getting a similarly dead end job. That whole “stuck” circle. I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. I’m starting to work for Postmates, so I can at least have some income. BUT, I’ve worked something similar before and, whelp, it promised just as big payouts and failed to do even a tenth of it. I don’t really have a choice, though, as the creditors are a-calling.
So…how to break the cycle? The hardest part for me is actually getting out of bed in the morning. Mostly because I don’t have a reason to. I don’t have a job that I have to be there at a specific time. I would like to do things outside of my room in the house, but there is NO privacy outside my room. I was contemplating meditating on the back porch, but nothing breaks up your concentration like a roommate couple bickering early in the morning. The answer to this dilemma is to get up crazy early, which I’m always gung ho about the evening before and not so much in the morning. Tomorrow, at least, I have a meeting with one of the companies that I’ve been freelancing with at 8:15 am, so that gets me up. I guess the answer is to go from there. Get up at 6 tomorrow, start my day. Get out of the house. Baby steps.
Slice of ham
Can of coke
Feeling a little anxious because of all my bills coming up and lack of funds
2 rice cakes
Laughing cow wedge
1 slice each: calabrese salame, prosciutto, & capocollo
Don’t feel like cooking yet. Kinda want to save that for tomorrow. But also don’t want to eat something crazy. Torn!!!
Green curry chicken
I have had WAYYYYYY too many sodas today!