I love comfort. Every piece of clothing I own is comfortable (even Spanx–I know, I’m weird). While I have uncomfortable shoes, I wear them maybe once a year–and even then I don’t wear them for long. The odd thing is that even my overeating is about comfort. While my body is definitely not comfortable right now–aches and pains, oddly fitting into clothes, the weight of the weight–I am “comfortable” being overweight because it is my normal. I can’t remember the last time I was “thin” or not an “overweight” BMI. There were a couple of times that I was close, but I had such bad body dysmorphia that I still thought I was obese. Shoot, even in high school, I thought I was obese when I technically did have a healthy BMI or possessed what is now my goal weight. I am not comfortable with the idea of not being overweight. So, I overindulge. Subconsciously, I’m sure I do this to stay overweight. However, I also overindulge to avoid uncomfortable emotions such as stress, anxiety, depression, disappointment. Instead of sitting in those emotions, my mind has a temper tantrum telling me to eat a pint of ice cream so I don’t have to feel anything any more. So I can tune out. I give into the tantrums, I’ve indulged those inner 3-year-olds so many times, that they’ve become brats. They get louder and louder, trying to get their way. I get to learn to say “no.” To sit in the discomfort, to realize that I can and will survive it. All of those emotions are temporary and I get to choose how I feel. I want to feel good about myself and what I put in my body. I don’t want to eat in a shadowy corner or not look people in the eye when I go to the grocery store. Fat is all about hiding and I am tired of hiding myself. So, here’s to embracing the uncomfortable.
2 egg frittata muffin cup things (egg, cheese, ham, kale, cream)
Ughhhhhhh I want a coke. So. Bad. Why did I drink all of them last night?! Also, really hungry. Boof. I should probably have a coffee instead, but it’s a little late.
Can of coke
I want foooooood. But not any of the food that I’ve made. Go figure. I would really like pizza. Or something with cheese. Mmmm. Cheese. I could technically put cheese on my soup, which would be good. But not the same. It’s cold and I want something carby. Halfway tempted to go get a pizza lean cuisine. It is a compromise. But, technically not on plan. If this is to be a life change, though, it is a good start. Hmmmmmmmmm.
Wheat bread thin with peanut butter and honey
Hooray. I didn’t veer. Please note that is a very non enthusiastic hooray. Feeling a little stressed about jobs and money and trying not to indulge in depression.
Really wanted either chips or chocolate could not find my protein bar so I went with nuts