It’s a new dawn!

Hooray for 2017! I know I am ready for it–mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and energetically. Today, I’m starting back up my “Miracle Morning”. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it’s from Hal Elrod’s book. Essentially, he was feeling depressed and unmotivated and needed to jump start his life. So, he started getting up super early in the manana to meditate, visualize, say affirmations, read, exercise, and journal. While it sounds like a lot, he would only do 10 minutes of each, really just to frame and focus his day. I’ve done it a few times, and my days are always better and more productive when I do. My next layer in my body transformation journey is to add this in every morning. While I didn’t wake up “early” today, I, er, also went to bed at 4:45 this morning because, New Year’s. Bert, starting tomorrow, rise and shine and start the day.

I will continue with food journaling and hunger scaling. My goal with that is to get better about actually only eating when I’m at -3. I’ve been doing a lot of zeros and negative ones because it’s the holidays and there has been a plethora of siren food laying around, i.e. Food that calls to my weaknesses and given the opportunity I would totally devour till it ends me. I know I also need to check in with myself to see what my emotions and stress-levels are when I eat. I also want to categorize why I’m eating, whether it is a fuel, fog, storm, or joy eat. I got this handy dandy trick from a fantastic book by Brooke Castillo, If I’m So Smart, Why Can’t I Lose Weight? I love this book for many reasons, especially it’s on the nose title. To break it down for those of you that haven’t read it, a fuel eat is what it sounds like: eating to fuel your body. A joy eat is eating something because you love it, and the trick is that you must relish it. This is where Brooke follows the 80/20 rule, where 80% of what you eat is for fuel and 20% is for joy. The goal is to narrow it down to only eating for these 2 reasons, and to also limit the joy eat to one item per day. The joy eat can be anything from your favorite off plan snack to dessert, but the key is to stop eating when you stop tasting it. You are to enjoy every bite.

The last 2 categories are what I am super guilty of: the fog eat and the storm eat. Both are to be avoided because it’s all about not being present or even remembering what you ate. A fog eat is when you sit in front of the TV and mysteriously eat a whole bag of anything. I’m guilty of this with everything from chips to ice cream to healthier fare like nuts and edamame. You’re eating from habit and not from hunger so you are totally ignoring your body’s hunger queues. A storm eat takes this one step further by adding an emotional component. Welcome to the realm of the binge eater. This is when I allow stress, anger, depression, frustration to control my mouth to down large quantities of food. Sometimes, I will seemingly not eat a LOT of these foods, but it will still be a storm. For example, I’ve had the storm where I’ve eaten a whole box of crackers or a whole bag of Oreos, but there are also storm eats where I just have 12 pieces of sushi, a single serving of crackers, and a piece of cake. While it’s not too far out of the realm of a “normal” eat for a human (or, more likely, a teenage boy), it’s still a storm because of why I’m eating, and because I’m not listening to my hunger queues which would normally have me stop at just the sushi. I’ve even had storm eats with healthy foods or restaurant portions. I’ notorious for this with Thai food. It may have only been a plate of green curry chicken, but it was eaten for comfort and not saiety. Even if it is on plan. 

Now, off to the races! With the edition of more examination of when and why and how I eat, along with my miracle morning, I’ve got a packed plate! Happy New Year, everyone, and I’m looking forward to everything that it brings!

Once more, with feeling

Yesterday was an interesting one. I just could not feel my hunger sensations–well, not until it was too late. I tend to not get hungry well into the afternoon. This wouldn’t be a problem except that I go from zero to feed me now in a eleventy seconds flat, which then leads to some poor eating choices if I don’t have anything planned. As I am not currently in my own abode, this totally led to some weird eating, and mostly snacking–trying to stave off the full hunger pangs until I could figure out what the heck I wanted. As I’m also in a small town right now with my eatery choices ranging between a sole Chinese restaurant, Whataburger, and Walmart, color me Sam Unwise on the eating spectrum. I’ll be back in Houston tonight, which will help choices a bit. 

The real annoyance yesterday was not feeling ANY hunger sensations. I know that part of this is due to my ghrelin and leptin levels being way out of whack thanks to my binge eating habit. It’s the eating disorder that keeps on giving! If I’m going to eat that much in one sitting, it makes sense that the body turned off my saiety signals so I could psychologically continue, but it sucks balls now that I’m trying to course correct! There’s also the chance that I’m not hungry because I’m still working on some previous calories. I wish I understood metabolism better. I mean, I’ve read 15 books on it, but the information has differed so vastly over the past 15 years that I have no clue. Eat every 3 hours. No. Fast 14. No. Three meals are fine. Eat when you’re hungry. Geaharrr. I’m trying to ignore all of this and listen to my body, but my body is ignoring me. It’s like I totally forgot its birthday or something and it’s freezing me out till I treat her better. I get it lady! I’m trying!

So…I started meditating again. My goal is to be more consistent with it. I did it this morning, and I can at least feel that I’m hungry. I’m guessing that’s step one in the hunger pang express: letting my thoughts quiet down enough so I can hear all of the important traffic signals that my body is sending me. Oh, and I went on a [brief] walk yesterday. Kudos to me. Man, do they still make kudos?

12/21
11:45

Coffee with half and half
12:40

3 starbursts
2:00

Ginger Ale

Really need to eat something, but can’t decide what
2:30

4 club crackers
3:00

Handful of peanut butter m&ms
3:30

-4/3

2/3 of a Patty melt

2/3 Dr Pepper

Onion Rings

Want something to eat but nothing sounds appealing. Didn’t eat all of the patty melt, but def ate all of the onion rings
7:30

0?/4

I have had no idea how hungry I am all day long

Some orange chicken

Rice

Bite of lo mein

8 pieces Broccoli

 1 ozBeef

1 small egg roll

Fortune cookie

Some wonton soup. Mostly just ate the wonton and had a few sips of the soup

This was such a mish mash. My sister brought it home for dinner. Written out, it sounds like a shit ton of food, but it filled probably about 3/4 of my standard dinner plate. It’s still a lot of food, just looks like more because of variety.

10:30

2/5

2.5 sugar cookies

You know when you’re really just wanting a bite of something sweet and then you’re around a couple of people who are grazing and you eat more because you’re getting subconscious eating queues and oooh that looks good and then you eat WAYYYY more than a bite? That was this.

Too scared to share

I have been dreading posting here all day. Like, legit, I’ve been meaning to for well over 12 hours and I am technically now posting it tomorrow because it is well past midnight. Why? Because I really don’t want people knowing what I eat. There is so much shame around it in my mind. I don’t want you to judge me. I don’t want me to judge me. And this extends to all weight issues. I’ve gained so much weight recently that I don’t even want to see anyone. I don’t want them to worry about me. I don’t want to worry about them worrying about me. Yet, all of this is making it so much bigger in my head than it is. Most of my friends don’t even notice. Frankly, I don’t see most of them enough for them to even notice my weight fluctuations. But I want to hide. It’s as if they see me, then it’s real. I can still take control of it and course correct so long as they don’t see me. Playing games of magical thinking instead of doing the magic that gets the results.

And, yes, this totally leaks into other points in my life. I don’t want to see friends from college or high school because I’m even more overweight and even less successful. At least I was in acting school or doing horrible plays in NYC the last time they saw me. But now? Now, I’m jobless and trying to break into a career that 20 somethings with parental connections are also trying to do. They are agents at William Morris and I can’t even dream about getting an agent. I have done nothing since I’ve moved to LA except waste my time in retail. And, while I quit that job to pursue producing or PAing or whatever–I’m still in that spot that they were 10 years ago. And I don’t want to see them. I am the person who can’t afford a rental car on Christmas vacation or can’t afford any vacation, even when I’m working. I’m not married and I don’t have kids. I am a cautionary tale. So, I don’t think about how much I would enjoy them or how much they would enjoy seeing me I only think about the sadness that is my life. Pffft. 

I used to write for a blog several years ago, and often I would write about dealing with my depression. I got a lot of positive feedback about how great the writing was and how helpful, but one of my friends commented on how it was a little unsettling because I always seemed to be struggling with the same things. I have been struggling with my weight, career, self-esteem, my love life, since high school. I remember auditioning for the school musical junior year and I was so afraid of not making it again that I completely toned down my audition to just pretty singing–so I could at least get into the chorus. Never mind a part–I just needed to make it into the show. The funny thing is that they way that the director was trying to audition me, I probably could have gotten one of the leads. I definitely would have been better than the person who got it. This even plagued me into college, and today. Despite knowing how talented I am (and not it a delusional way; as anyone who’s witnessed American Idol auditions, there is so much room for the delusional in this field. So, being the low self-esteemed wonder that I am, I’ve also gotten several well respected professionals to confirm what I suspected), I still don’t think anyone would actually pick me. Because I’m just slightly off. 

So I hide away and don’t try and lie and obfuscate. And try to delay telling the truth until the last possible minute. See how I still haven’t shown you what I ate? I really want to remind you that I am on vacation and the idea was to eat as I normally would at my parents house and see how I cleverly slipped that excuse in while seemingly trying to make it not seem like an excuse? Also, I totally didn’t stick to the hunger scale. Some of it was I went to the movies. Other parts were due to snacking options being readily available. And even others were that I was at the timing of other people. If everyone is eating at 7, I kinda have to eat, too. Even if it makes me a little sick. 

So here we go. Ripping the bandaid. And maybe tomorrow I’ll even be brave enough to post my before pictures. Which are actually from Dec 14 as I was planning on starting this blog 10 days earlier and then 5 days earlier, etc. So, yeah.

12/20/16 Food Diary

1:12 pm 

-4/3

4 pieces cheerios

Coffee with milk

Bite of semolina bread

Half of ham and mozzarella panini
4:11

-3/5

1 slice chicken quesadilla 

6 chips with queso and guacamole

Dr Pepper

Steak nachos

Feeling a little tired. Super stuffed up. Got nachos to really be a vehicle for queso, but ate too many because I was hunting for queso. It became more of a game and less about hunger and also wanting more of a perfect last chip. 
6:30

2/2

6 sugar wafers

Wanted something sweet. Not really stressed or anything; it was just there and sounded good.
9:10

1/1

2 Rolos 

Again, they were there and I was thinking about them.
10:45

-2/?

2 dr peppers

Popcorn with clarified butter

Some peanut butter m&ms

1 Rolo

Half a pretzel w/cheese dipping sauce

Watching a movie at Alamo Draft House so this was a total fog eat