Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable

I love comfort. Every piece of clothing I own is comfortable (even Spanx–I know, I’m weird). While I have uncomfortable shoes, I wear them maybe once a year–and even then I don’t wear them for long. The odd thing is that even my overeating is about comfort. While my body is definitely not comfortable right now–aches and pains, oddly fitting into clothes, the weight of the weight–I am “comfortable” being overweight because it is my normal. I can’t remember the last time I was “thin” or not an “overweight” BMI. There were a couple of times that I was close, but I had such bad body dysmorphia that I still thought I was obese. Shoot, even in high school, I thought I was obese when I technically did have a healthy BMI or possessed what is now my goal weight. I am not comfortable with the idea of not being overweight. So, I overindulge. Subconsciously, I’m sure I do this to stay overweight. However, I also overindulge to avoid uncomfortable emotions such as stress, anxiety, depression, disappointment. Instead of sitting in those emotions, my mind has a temper tantrum telling me to eat a pint of ice cream so I don’t have to feel anything any more. So I can tune out. I give into the tantrums, I’ve indulged those inner 3-year-olds so many times, that they’ve become brats. They get louder and louder, trying to get their way. I get to learn to say “no.” To sit in the discomfort, to realize that I can and will survive it. All of those emotions are temporary and I get to choose how I feel. I want to feel good about myself and what I put in my body. I don’t want to eat in a shadowy corner or not look people in the eye when I go to the grocery store. Fat is all about hiding and I am tired of hiding myself. So, here’s to embracing the uncomfortable.

1/9
12:50

-4.5/0

2 egg frittata muffin cup things (egg, cheese, ham, kale, cream)

Ughhhhhhh I want a coke. So. Bad. Why did I drink all of them last night?! Also, really hungry. Boof. I should probably have a coffee instead, but it’s a little late. 
5:01

-5

Can of coke

I want foooooood. But not any of the food that I’ve made. Go figure. I would really like pizza. Or something with cheese. Mmmm. Cheese. I could technically put cheese on my soup, which would be good. But not the same. It’s cold and I want something carby. Halfway tempted to go get a pizza lean cuisine. It is a compromise. But, technically not on plan. If this is to be a life change, though, it is a good start. Hmmmmmmmmm. 
6:45

-6/2

Taco soup

Wheat bread thin with peanut butter and honey

Hooray. I didn’t veer. Please note that is a very non enthusiastic hooray. Feeling a little stressed about jobs and money and trying not to indulge in depression. 
11:35

-3/2

36 pistachios 

Really wanted either chips or chocolate could not find my protein bar so I went with nuts 

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Slipping back into old habits

I had a dream yesterday that everything I touched kept slipping, and I realize now that it’s because I’m slipping back into old habits. Not necessarily eating too much, more sleeping too much, not getting out of bed, doing everything from my computer…in bed. Meditating…in bed. Which sets me up with the bad habits that got me to where I am now. All of the resolve I have is slowly sinking into the mattress. It’s not that I’m not getting things accomplished–I’m actually striking loads of things off of my list. It’s just…I’m becoming borderline agoraphobic. As in, I haven’t eaten today because I don’t want to leave my room. Some of it is my roommate is here and I have this huge judgment thing. I don’t want her to see me cooking or getting take out or whatever. She’s one of those people who likes the taste of boiled chicken with no seasoning, so I feel like I am forever being too messy when I cook because, well, because I use flavors. Plus, it’s easier in my room. But, you know, there’s the whole no movement thing. Like, this is 100% why I’ve gained weight in the past few months and cutting calories alone isn’t going to do it.

Before going on vacation, I had become increasingly dissatisfied with life. Disappointed? I had quit my dead end job because I was tired of sacrificing seeing friends or going home for Christmas because my schedule was too stringent–especially because it’s not like I was really making enough money to compensate for all of the drawbacks. I signed up with several temp agencies who were excited about my prospects, and hit the ground running–well before I quit, mind you–and really didn’t think that it would take me more than two months to get a job. Except, now I’m starting month 4 sans employment. Funds are scarce. I don’t known how I’m going to pay things but it’s not like I can get unemployement because I quit. I made the mistake of listening to people who said they were clamouring to employ me, who completely let me down when I actually asked fore employment. Now, I have a choice of waiting it out, seeing if I can get a better job, or getting a similarly dead end job. That whole “stuck” circle. I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. I’m starting to work for Postmates, so I can at least have some income. BUT, I’ve worked something similar before and, whelp, it promised just as big payouts and failed to do even a tenth of it. I don’t really have a choice, though, as the creditors are a-calling. 

So…how to break the cycle? The hardest part for me is actually getting out of bed in the morning. Mostly because I don’t have a reason to. I don’t have a job that I have to be there at a specific time. I would like to do things outside of my room in the house, but there is NO privacy outside my room. I was contemplating meditating on the back porch, but nothing breaks up your concentration like a roommate couple bickering early in the morning. The answer to this dilemma is to get up crazy early, which I’m always gung ho about the evening before and not so much in the morning. Tomorrow, at least, I have a meeting with one of the companies that I’ve been freelancing with at 8:15 am, so that gets me up. I guess the answer is to go from there. Get up at 6 tomorrow, start my day. Get out of the house. Baby steps.

1/4
11:45

-3/1

Bread thin

Slice of ham

Cheese

Can of coke

Feeling a little anxious because of all my bills coming up and lack of funds
4:41

-5/1.5

Coke can

2 rice cakes

Laughing cow wedge

1 slice each: calabrese salame, prosciutto, & capocollo

Don’t feel like cooking yet. Kinda want to save that for tomorrow. But also don’t want to eat something crazy. Torn!!!
7:45

-2/4

Green curry chicken

Rice

Sprite

I have had WAYYYYYY too many sodas today! 

Eat the Frog

I have HUGE issues with stress and anxiety. Let me tell you–it sucks the big one when you can’t go to food to dull that edge. I’m trying to work on my tendency towards overwhelm, and most of this is dealing with doing the Eat the Frog method of “What’s the most important?” Normally, I make a list and tackle things that I know I can get done first. Today, however, I’m making my list and tackling the things that will take the most stress off my plate first. Just thinking about getting some of these things accomplished makes me feel better. Wish me luck!
1/3
2:15 pm

-6/3

Breakfast burrito

Tortilla chips

Mexican coke

I waited so long to eat that the burrito was exactly how much I needed to eat. 
7:27

-2/1

Churro

I have been sleeping all day. No bueno.
11:00

-4/2

Lean cuisine pizza

2 fruit leathers

Really proud of myself because I really wanted something sweet and I was grocery shopping. Instead of getting a slice of cake or things that I normally do, I didnt get anything. Fruit leather ftw!

Home Again, Home Again

I am FINALLY back in Los Angeles. It was a trek getting back here, thanks to delays and no Uber drivers and then my Lyft driver getting into an accident. Now, I’m sitting in bed recovering, thinking of all of the things that I need to do, and really just wanting to indulge one last time in my favorite breakfast place within walking distance. Their breakfast burritos are massive and delightful, but an entire day’s worth of sustenance thanks to their massiveness. There would be no hunger scale with this, just devouring. I am soooooooo tempted. I don’t have anything in the house, so I’d have to eat out for lunch anyway. I need to do all of my shopping today, so it can be a last hurrah before going full beast mode. But, I also know that it is completely out of alignment with what I’m trying to do. I no longer have the excuse of being on vacation and subject to the whims of my family. It’s one day, but this one day is also indicative on how I plan to live the rest of my life. Even righting this post has me groan a bit because I know that I shouldn’t get it, even though I probably will, but knowing takes a little of the pleasure out of getting it. It’s a lot more pleasurable to fool yourself into thinking that this really is the last time you’ll binge or eat crap before you change your life. Except, I’m already in the midst of making the change. It’s rocky, I’m not perfect–but there has been effort. Getting the burrito or chilequiles or indulging in that itch would be a step back into the quicksand of habit. Ugh. If I get the burrito, it’s an excuse for a delay. If I don’t, it’ll probably be something else just as bad that I get at the store. Hooray for mind games!

I could bargain with myself. I can get the burrito only if I meal plan for the week and make my grocery list. That way, I won’t be in this same place tomorrow since I need to go to the grocery store tonight. Plus, I can eat it on the hunger scale–having leftovers as snacks instead of consuming it all in one big sitting. Which would probably be the healthier way to go? I wouldn’t be denying myself of anything, but I also wouldn’t be overindulging. I’d be reducing the value of the temptation because it is no longer forbidden, I’m no longer being “bad” for eating it, and I’d still be taking the steering wheel from my lizard brain. 

So, I guess that’s what I’ll try. Grocery shopping tonight to remove the temptation for tomorrow. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Also, as I’ve been away from internet for a few days, I’ve been derelict posting what I’ve been eating. I have been recording it everyday, but on my notepad on my phone which my computer doesn’t have access to sans wifi. I could post everything, but have decided that would be a hassle. Here’s yesterday’s, to renew the habit of transparency.

1/2
12:00

-4/2

Cinnamon roll

2 coffees with 2% milk

Did not mean to eat this! Totally meant to do jambalaya instead, but they were sitting there and I relented. It wasn’t even as good or filling as I wanted. Whoops! Feeling sinusy and just want comfort. A little stressed over finances and starting this whole thing. 
3 pm

-3/3

Jambalaya
5:00

Mexican coke
6:15

-1/4.5

Cheese coney

Cheese fry

Not really hungry yet, but need to eat before my flight. Also a family thing. Probably could have done something healthier, but it’s a LOT less than I would normally get. 
7:30

1/3

2 Slices of gingerbread 
12:05

-4/1

can of sprite

90 calorie bag of veggie wheat thins 

Airplane peanuts

Baby Steps

It’s fascinating what’s difficult. Predictably, I procrastinate on the exercise part of my morning and savor in the meditating and visualization. The hunger scale is easier than expected, but cravings still gnaw at my brain. Honestly, it’s the same voice telling me not move as the one telling me to eat ice cream or that I didn’t get enough food even though I’m perfectly full just not as full as I want to be and OMG I’M GOING TO STARVE!!!!! Which is ridiculous, because I have sooooo much food. 

I leave for LA tonight, for which I am ever so ready. I’m not quite ready to deal with my finances, etc, but I’ll figure it out. I’m trying out this faking confidence until you have it thing. I will let you know how that works out. Now, off to pack 2 suitcases of stuff into 1! That counts as a workout, right?

It’s a new dawn!

Hooray for 2017! I know I am ready for it–mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and energetically. Today, I’m starting back up my “Miracle Morning”. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it’s from Hal Elrod’s book. Essentially, he was feeling depressed and unmotivated and needed to jump start his life. So, he started getting up super early in the manana to meditate, visualize, say affirmations, read, exercise, and journal. While it sounds like a lot, he would only do 10 minutes of each, really just to frame and focus his day. I’ve done it a few times, and my days are always better and more productive when I do. My next layer in my body transformation journey is to add this in every morning. While I didn’t wake up “early” today, I, er, also went to bed at 4:45 this morning because, New Year’s. Bert, starting tomorrow, rise and shine and start the day.

I will continue with food journaling and hunger scaling. My goal with that is to get better about actually only eating when I’m at -3. I’ve been doing a lot of zeros and negative ones because it’s the holidays and there has been a plethora of siren food laying around, i.e. Food that calls to my weaknesses and given the opportunity I would totally devour till it ends me. I know I also need to check in with myself to see what my emotions and stress-levels are when I eat. I also want to categorize why I’m eating, whether it is a fuel, fog, storm, or joy eat. I got this handy dandy trick from a fantastic book by Brooke Castillo, If I’m So Smart, Why Can’t I Lose Weight? I love this book for many reasons, especially it’s on the nose title. To break it down for those of you that haven’t read it, a fuel eat is what it sounds like: eating to fuel your body. A joy eat is eating something because you love it, and the trick is that you must relish it. This is where Brooke follows the 80/20 rule, where 80% of what you eat is for fuel and 20% is for joy. The goal is to narrow it down to only eating for these 2 reasons, and to also limit the joy eat to one item per day. The joy eat can be anything from your favorite off plan snack to dessert, but the key is to stop eating when you stop tasting it. You are to enjoy every bite.

The last 2 categories are what I am super guilty of: the fog eat and the storm eat. Both are to be avoided because it’s all about not being present or even remembering what you ate. A fog eat is when you sit in front of the TV and mysteriously eat a whole bag of anything. I’m guilty of this with everything from chips to ice cream to healthier fare like nuts and edamame. You’re eating from habit and not from hunger so you are totally ignoring your body’s hunger queues. A storm eat takes this one step further by adding an emotional component. Welcome to the realm of the binge eater. This is when I allow stress, anger, depression, frustration to control my mouth to down large quantities of food. Sometimes, I will seemingly not eat a LOT of these foods, but it will still be a storm. For example, I’ve had the storm where I’ve eaten a whole box of crackers or a whole bag of Oreos, but there are also storm eats where I just have 12 pieces of sushi, a single serving of crackers, and a piece of cake. While it’s not too far out of the realm of a “normal” eat for a human (or, more likely, a teenage boy), it’s still a storm because of why I’m eating, and because I’m not listening to my hunger queues which would normally have me stop at just the sushi. I’ve even had storm eats with healthy foods or restaurant portions. I’ notorious for this with Thai food. It may have only been a plate of green curry chicken, but it was eaten for comfort and not saiety. Even if it is on plan. 

Now, off to the races! With the edition of more examination of when and why and how I eat, along with my miracle morning, I’ve got a packed plate! Happy New Year, everyone, and I’m looking forward to everything that it brings!

Today is a celebration

I love looking at some of my before and after pictures for many reasons. Sometimes, I do it to feel bad about myself currently. Sometimes, I do it to give me hope that since I’ve done it before, I can do it again. And even more times, I look at them to laugh at the miserable before pictures. I always cut the photos off underneath the eyes, yet there is this “look” on my lips that conveys the utter embarrassment, utter disappointment that I feel taking those pictures that day. I mean, let’s face it. Being overweight sucks. It’s a lot of extra pressure on your body and your joints. The good news for me is that I can feel it this time around. The last time I was this big, I couldn’t–I could see it in pictures, but my body felt just the same as when I was 50 pounds lighter. Not so this time. Which, considering my battle is with presence and awareness, whether in my physical life of with what I eat, is a sign of huge progress.

I do love the before picture as a tracking mechanism, but not the dreading joy suck that results. As I’ve now decided that this go around is more about life choices and overhauling my lifestyle instead of a series of quick fixes and burnout regimens, I took a different approach with the before photos as well. Today is a celebration. This is not a day of shame where it finally became “too much”. This is a day of joy when I decided to listen to my body and treat it with respect. Therefore, I did my hair and makeup and tried to look as cute as possible for the pics. I originally had a cute shirt planned out for it, as I hate on weight loss shows that they make the contestants take off their shirts when they’re larger in some effort of shame porn. [Side note–all of them do it and the moment that enough weight is loss, the shirts are back on. They are allowed dignity when they are smaller but want to show us every fold when they are larger. At first, I thought it had something to do with excess skin, but I think it’s mostly in the same vein as a sorority girl with pledges and a permanent marker, which bothers me. End tangent.] Any way, I was doing chores right before the pictures and accidentally got water on the front of my shirt, which just made me look messy. I decided to just take the photos in a bra and pants to be easy.  

Now, I am tempted to look at these photos and be highly critical of them. However, I am choosing a more loving path and will instead say 5 nice things about me. I have made a pact with myself that I will do this whenever I see a photo of myself, as I am wont to focus on every negative flaw instead of acknowledging my attributes.

Here we go:

  1. Those are some kick ass shoes–I have great nerdy taste!
  2. My butt is quite shapely and looks pretty banging. Note to self: focus on squats to accentuate this bad boy.
  3. My smile does look genuine.
  4. I still manage to have a quasi-hourglass figure. Yahoo.
  5. My hair looks really cool from the back.

Huzzah!!! I did it! It was a little touch and go there towards the end, but I managed to eke out some compliments. Go me!

Now, drumroll please, I took measurements just to have loads of things to compare to. I occasionally get a little body dysmorphic and I know I may not be able to see the differences in the frozen image, but having weight and size measurements will really help. They are as follows:

  • Weight:239.4 lbs
  • 45.9% body fat
  • 29.9% water
  • 33.1% muscle
  • 4.2 lb bone
  • Neck: 14.75 in.
  • Chest (over boobs): 45 in.
  • Waist (at belly button): 47 in.
  • Hips (over hip bone): 56 in.
  • Left thigh (halfway between knee and hip) 28 in.

Alright! I am thankful for this body and this journey! I’m thankful for the accountability of this site and for the incredible amount of support and love from my friends, families, and loved ones. Merry Christmas everyone and I look forward to another day!

AOK

P.S. I got a little side-tracked, and due to some technology issues, was unable to track my meals on my phone like I normally do. Here is the last date that I fully tracked. Normal tracking will resume 12/26.

12/22

3:45

-6/3

McDonald’s southern style chicken sandwich

Half large fry

Large Dr Pepper 
6:05

0/2

Slice of gingerbread
8:30

-4

10 Tortilla chips with salsa

1.5 Chicken, spinach, and corn enchiladas

Refried beans 

Rice
12:25

1/2

Slice of gingerbread